It’s been a frustrating week. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings running through my mind. It seems that when that happens my body can’t handle it very well. I end up feeling so irritated and agitated. I am holding my breath and hyperventilating a lot this week. I am sorry for the way I feel, a lot. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else. It’s so painful to have so many emotions and have so little that I can do with them. I am doing my therapeutic listening, my joint compression, my calming CD’s, but my body seems to do what it wants.
If you could imagine having some very difficult situations in your life: Imagine they are emotions that are related to relationships that you want to be different. How do you handle them? Do you call your friends? Do you scream? Do you cry? Do you talk to the person? Do you run or walk? Do you eat a bunch of food? Does it help? Do you work hard or paint or draw? I have tried to imagine what that would be like because I can’t do any of those things. My life has been full of frustrations lately and when that happens my body is not my friend. I fiddle more, I chew more, I grab things, I have trouble swallowing. I feel exhausted, I feel overwhelmed and agitated. My body responds by pushing and shoving. Sometimes, I get scared because I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else and then I feel sad about that.
This morning I am sitting outside with Beau. I’ve been out here listening to music. My mom and I am sitting in the paddock with beau. He is five years old now and he is so perfect on days like today when I am not myself, when my body doesn’t give me a break. He is calm and peaceful and stands close to be my friend. That is why I named him Beau because he is my sweet handsome friend. He forgives me when I push. He just moves back and ten comes closer. I love him so much. I have many friends and neighbors who are so good to me. They have helped pay for so many things that Beau needs. I feel their love today. I haven’t been able to cry or scream for many years so it’s hard to let go of some emotions but Beau is making it easier today.