It has been a bewildering week. The main caregiver I had during the week left and hasn’t called us, so we don’t know what the problem is. I counted on her for 9 months.
I am expected to be comfortable around my caregivers. If they only knew what I have experienced at the hands of caregivers in my lifetime, they would be amazed that I could trust at all. Yet, in their need to be respected, they expect me to just go along with them.
They see me in my most difficult times and are with me in my times of accomplishment and great joy. I never see them in their private lives. I only see them in my home. They are very eager to keep their lives private. They are at our table for family celebrations and with me at the Dr when I am too weak to hold my head up. My life is open to them. They expect it. I don’t understand how that level of involvement can be so easily dismissed by them.
I am wondering if I am only a source of income for many people. They say the right words to my Mo, but their actions deceive them. It is hard to count on people who are so heartless. They expect respect and trust from us, but are so disrespectful and act unworthy of trust. It is incredible that there are people like that provding care to those of us whose very lives are dependent on them.
My hope for today is to find someone who is eager to be with me, who sees my talents and want to help me to be the best person I can be. My Mom is that person for me, and we need help. It is too much for her alone. I need people who care and would NEVER walk away without saying goodbye, who think to much of me and themselves to leave us hanging, wondering what happened. Someone who doesn’t come with so many burdens of their own that they don’t know how to involve themselves in my life in a healthy way.
I have many reasons to be alive. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. So my hope and prayer for today is to find someone who is eager to be my helper. Someone who can see that my life is valuable…as much as their own. That God has given me a great family and friends and a beautiful little horse, who has cats! Someone who wants to be involved.
Please come quickly.